On the car ride home from picking up my first pregnancy test, I knew deep down that I wasn't pregnant. I couldn't help but laugh to myself about how on some of the most significant days in my life, I had eaten McDonald’s; including our wedding night. Since I had eaten McDonald's that night, I knew that it was only meant to be that something significant would happen.
My poor husband had been “OC Sprayed” earlier that afternoon as part of his training to become a Military Police Officer and he was at home resting; doing everything he could to take the sting and fire burning sensation away. He was sleeping with a fan two inches from his face to make sure he was staying dry and cool so the pepper spray wouldn’t reactivate. Apparently when you get pepper sprayed, if you try to rinse it off or cry, it only makes things worse. Of all times for me to find out I was pregnant and potentially make him cry!
I took the first test and set it on the counter before going into the laundry room to get clothes out of the dryer. I wasn’t even thinking twice about it. Next thing I know holding the test in my hand & sure enough….. “PREGNANT”. I couldn’t believe my eyes.
All I could keep saying was “I’m pregnant! I’m pregnant! We’re having a baby!”
Immediately I was flooded with emotions and wanted to take more tests to be sure. I remembered that I had one in the bedroom so I quickly went to my bedroom to grab the test without waking Jeremy. Low and behold, the stinker was already awake and was walking around trying to find baby shampoo to wash his poor face. Of all times for him to be up, I was trying to keep it a secret until I KNEW. Somehow I got away with putting the test in my pocket and escaping the bedroom without him becoming suspicious. I took the second test…
And of course, second test… PREGNANT.
I decided that I should go get another test; one that “guestimated” how far along in your pregnancy you are. I kept thinking how awful it would be to make Jeremy cry with excitement from the news and reactive his pepper spray. Of all times to tell him! I had called my mom for advice on when I should tell him. She was excited and told me to go ahead and tell him either that night or in the morning so that he could come with me to the doctor to have the pregnancy confirmed.
First store I went to didn’t have any, second store I went to was sold out, so back to Walmart I go. Once again….. PREGNANT 2-3 weeks. On the drive home in the rain, the excitement and reality is settling in. But, also the nervousness/anxiousness of telling my husband that he was going to be a daddy.
I was going to be a mommy.
Once I got home I tried to think of cute and clever ways that I could break the news to Jeremy. So I put all three positive pregnancy tests in the bottom of a small box and placed a baby stuffed elephant on top before wrapping it. I go into the bedroom and find Jeremy fast asleep in the dark. I sat next to him on the bed and stroked his face, asking him if he was feeling any better. He mumbled something and right away I knew I was going to have to turn the light on to wake him up. So I did and he puts the covers over his face before I could get back over to him.
I sat back down next to him and told him that I got him a present since he had had such an awful day. I said, “Do you want to open it now or later?” He said, “It depends on what it is.” So of course I hand the small box to him and he starts unwrapping the paper. He lifts the baby elephant out of the box before he realizes there was something underneath. Once he realizes this, he takes the box and looks long and hard at the pregnancy tests.
It felt like an entire minute had passed before I finally said “I’m pregnant.” He looked up at me and said, “This isn’t fair, I can’t even hug you!” (Pepper spray can rub off on another person and cause them to burn, too, as I later found out). He told me how excited he was and probably said “I love you!” a million times. I cuddled up as close to him as I could and kissed his forehead. He was happy…. and that made everything right in the world.
We were having a baby.
From midnight to about 4:30am, I was having tests done, blood drawn, etc. The pregnancy was confirmed but their ultrasound tech wouldn't be back until morning. Since they told me I was so early in my pregnancy, they didn't want to treat me yet. So they prescribed me Tylenol, put me on strict bed rest & sent me home until my scheduled appointment for two days later so they could see how my HCG levels were doing. They told me to return to the ER immediately if I experienced any bleeding.
Jeremy took me home and we both slept for about 5 hours before the pain increased and the bleeding began. It worsened once we made it to the ER . Thankfully, they were able to take ultrasounds to see if the pregnancy was ectopic or not and determine exactly how far along I was. My nurses were wonderful, they brought me warm blankets and gave me plenty of hugs.
After 4 more hours of tests and waiting, my doctor informed Jeremy and I that we had lost the baby.
I wasn't quite a month pregnant.
The physical pain has been incomparable to anything I've ever felt. The emotional heartache is indescribable.
Before I learned that I had miscarried, my triage nurse that had checked my into the ER Saturday was a woman named Katie Allen. I will never forget her. She took my vitals and knew that I was coming in due to bleeding in early pregnancy. She closed the door and asked if she could pray for me. I immediately shook my head yes. She held my hand, cried with me, and prayed over me. She began by saying that she believed God made the moon and stars, heaven and earth and that He is the one who gives us life. She told me that she has personally experienced SIX miscarriages before giving birth to beautiful twins. She prayed for my peace, for my baby, and my marriage. I am certain that God sent her to be my nurse that day and give me a sense of calm before finding out the horrible news.
This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. All I could see were the words "Miscarriage" on my discharge papers. As it was just a matter of hours after I found out we were having a baby that it would be quickly taken from us. I know God has our best interest at heart and that His promises in Isaiah 66:9 are true. He will never cause us pain without allowing something new to be born. I believe that I found out I was pregnant just in time to already love this baby and know that God would take care of us.
The doctors have reassured me that there is nothing I could have done differently and that this loss does not determine our future ability to conceive. In fact, most women experience an average of 2.5 miscarriages. My heart aches, but I have found peace in knowing God has purpose behind all of this.
Jeremy has been my rock. He has held me while I cried, prayed over me and carried me into the house when all I could do was collapse in our driveway in tears. This man is my hero. I am so in love with him.
Any prayers would be so greatly appreciated.
There are brighter days ahead and I have hope that someday God will give us children.
our God is cruel or that He takes life away just because He can. Maybe our baby had an uncertain future and God spared us both from that uncertainty. I believe with all my heart that He knew my child by name before they were even formed in my womb. I believe that my little poppyseed is now an angel. I believe that He gave us the opportunity to be excited and already love this baby with our whole hearts before we experienced the physical pain and emotional heartache of a
miscarriage.
Our baby was and is loved.
"So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these
little ones should perish." Matthew 18:14
womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:13-16
"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born."
Isaiah 66:9
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knew why
A million times I've needed you,
A million times we've cried.
If love alone could've saved you,
You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place,
No one else will ever fill.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you,
The day God took you home."